How to Talk to Children About Hate Crimes

Director of Middle School, Kavan Yee, reflects on watching the news of the deadly spa shootings unfold with his daughter in March. He offers this first-person perspective of what it was like to watch the tragedy develop in real-time and gives tips on navigating these conversations with your children.

Anti-Asian Hate Crimes

Unfortunately, misclassification of crimes against members of the Asian Pacific Islander Desi American (APIDA) community is common. Laws that classify hate crimes do not accurately account for how this community experiences racism explicitly. With no standard system for reporting and a lack of apparent anti-Asian symbols, these crimes go underreported. Often, they are categorized as crimes committed due to mental illness, as exemplified by the handling of the deadly spa shootings in Atlanta on March 16. 

The News Broke

As the news broke, announcements flashed across our computer screens, and I received texts from fellow Asian educators across the country, spreading the word and checking in. It wasn't long before my then 11-year-old daughter, Kellyn, started asking questions. We read various sources to gain a better understanding of what happened and who was involved. Our research led her to seek clarification as to what constitutes a racial hate crime. She wondered, did the victims "just happen" to be Asian in this instance? 
 
I reacted in disbelief as we listened to an officer empathize with the shooter during a press conference, justifying the perpetrator's actions by saying that he had a "very bad day..." and... had an "addiction to sex." Confused by my reaction, I explained to Kellyn how the officer justified the crime. How could these murders not be considered a racial hate crime?

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Lessons in School and at Home

One of the biggest challenges is clearly explaining dreadful events like these to our children. They don't make sense to a child, and the nuance of our society somehow transforms unfair and unjust actions into what is expected. As children of color encounter these life lessons, they must also learn how to live within an alternate set of rules—just as they are beginning to grasp the difference between right and wrong. Confused, they are left wondering why rules differ for groups of people based on their looks.
 
At Lowell School, our goal is to nurture children into becoming responsible and engaged citizens. Social Justice Standards are integrated throughout our social studies curriculum and opportunities for service-learning, advocacy, and activism. As we build a solid foundation of multicultural competency and literacy for our students, tragic events like these often occur while our students are at home. 
Slow down, create a safe space, ask clarifying questions, and fully listen to what your child has to say. 
As a parent, I recognize that we do not have the answers we want to give or the responses our children expect; approaching these conversations can feel daunting. Nevertheless, social dilemmas are not solved quietly, and our children are desperate for our guidance. Here are some things to remember when navigating these conversations.

5 Tips on How to Talk to Children About Hate Crimes

List of 5 items.

  • 1. Slow Down

    When talking to children about tragic events and highly emotional topics, it is essential to slow down and spend time connecting with your family.

  • 2. Create a Safe Space

    Just like you, your child is processing and placing events into context. Ensure they know that it is safe to share with you and say whatever they want to say. Investigate what they have heard and how they are feeling.

  • 3. Use Clarifying Questions

    Engage your child in critical thinking and refrain from passing judgment or shaming. Ask them: How did you come to this conclusion? How do you know what someone else believes? How does that make you feel? Reflect to your child what you heard them say so they know you are carefully considering their feelings and concerns.

  • 4. Address Your Emotions

    If you become angry or upset, tell them why. Do not make children try to figure that out independently, as it may only add to their confusion and/or fear.

  • 5. Model Positive Behavior

    Highlight positive action happening in the community and find ways to get involved. Middle school children, especially, want to act. Fortunately, becoming an ally and advocate doesn't require grand gestures. Adopting consistent daily habits, like investigating and talking about social justice issues as a family, works to normalize Black, Indigenous, and People of Color's (BIPOC) experiences and turn the tide against racial hate crimes.
We must become advocates and teach our children to speak up and speak out.
Unfortunately, my experiences have shown that racial hate crimes will continue, especially as our country actively addresses its systemic racism, white supremacy, and privilege. We are all trying to find our identities beyond generalized racial classifications. For some, this means reclaiming a heritage shattered by systemic erasure. For others, it means accepting where we are and finding new ways to be in this world with awareness and intention.

We must do the work every day, individually and collectively. We must become advocates and teach our children to speak up and speak out. We must be brave enough to name racial hate crimes when they occur and relentless in our commitment to bring equity to our communities. As parents and caregivers, we must accept that we will make mistakes. Change will not happen overnight, but hopefully, we build the necessary awareness that leads to action—one conversation at a time.
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